Saturday, September 19, 2009

And so it begins...

I just moved from Cumming, GA to Iowa City, IA. It was a lovely fourteen-hour drive.  I am now a Master’s student at the University of Iowa studying the trombone.  People always look surprised when I tell them that I play the trombone.  They always say things like, “Wow, how did you end up playing that?” I usually just shrug my shoulders and say that I have no idea, but truthfully, I simply think it is a beautiful instrument. Just because I’m a girl doesn’t mean that I should play the flute.  Oh well, sometimes I wish that I did play a smaller instrument because my back is about to give out from hauling my trombone on my back all over Iowa City.  Since the flood in 2008, the whole school of music here has been kind of spread out and all over campus, which mean a lot of walking for me.  It’s okay, though because the facilities that we do have are pretty nice—much better than I expected. My new trombone professor Dr. Gier is really great. He’s always asking me how I’m doing and if I’m liking everything.  I can tell that he is just a really good person and ultimately the type of teacher that I hope to be one day.  He was Dr. Palmer’s trombone professor.  That’s mainly why I came here.  Now I can see why Dr. Palmer is such a good trombone professor. 

My apartment here is really cool despite the creepy cellar that is connected to my bedroom.  I will definitely not be unlocking that door anytime soon.  Seriously, if I hear any creepy noises down there, I’m running for my life.  Iowa City is pretty cool, too.  It’s a lot busier than Columbus ever was, and there are just so many people.  It’s definitely a college town, especially on game days.  I’m a pretty horrible football fan because I have no idea how many games we’ve won or who we’re playing tomorrow. 

So I guess the whole transitioning into grad school far from home is going pretty smoothly.  When I look back to last year around this time, I’ve definitely come a long way.  I was ready to give up music and everything I had worked for because I was so depressed and upset about my family.  I’m still not sure why I reacted like that, but I am thankful that I got back on track.  Maybe that’s why I want to be a professor again.  Dr. Palmer really helped me get through all of that.  I hope he knows what an impact he has made on my life.  I’ve told him before—I just hope he knows.  I want to be that person for someone one day.  I want to be an inspiration to my students.  I think I’m in the right position now to do that.  This past summer was so much better than the previous one.  One reason is obvious because I’m not all freaked out and depressed about being here.  C.J. moved out/left us.  Not having him home was such a relief but also sad at the same time.  I just never know how to act around him.  The last time I saw him was at Father’s Day at Lauren and John’s.  He did not look like the little brother I once had.  Honestly, I haven’t been able to really look him in the eyes since this whole mess began a year and a half ago.  I want to forgive him so much and have everything just go back to normal, but I don’t think he will ever ask for forgiveness.  I just pretend that everything is okay. That is so messed up.  I wonder what Thanksgiving and Christmas will be like this year.  Why should every important holiday or event be muddied up by the fact that we have to put on some happy face?  I don’t even know if he will show up.  Part of me wonders if he even loves us at all.  The only reason he sees my mom and dad is when he needs something.  Mom says that he asks how everyone is, but couldn’t he just find out on his own by asking us?  It’s so sad to love someone so much when you know that they don’t feel the same way.  I want for him to be okay so badly.  I want my parents to stop hurting inside.  I want to truly believe that things will be different one day.  I need to know that people can really change.  Deep down, I believe that he will get a clue one day.  Sometimes it just makes me sick to think how much I worry about him when I know for a fact that he could care less about us. 

I really didn’t intend for this post to turn into this.  I just found some stuff out today that made me impossible to keep it all in.  That, and I’m just feeling kind of sad.  I like it here, but I just miss my family, Chris, my old friends, etc.  I’ve met a lot of really nice people, but I spend a lot of time by myself, which invokes a lot of thinking about things. 

Part of me just wants to fast forward to the part of my life where I am truly happy and with the people I love.  When will that be?  Soon, I hope. 

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